Navigating Parole T-Shirts

"You keep saying that you're a changed man, but if you do get that parole how can I know for sure you won't go back to robbing banks?"

Minority Report

"I got probation."

To Get Pardoned by Trump, Become a Celeb

'The Boss is coming to dinner tonight - please don't open a can of worms again.'

"Hello. . . I'm new in town. Do you know where the local police station is? - I need to sign in. . !"

"We want one that's genetically gifted but not genetically spoiled."

Coming Soon: The G.P.S. for Conversations

'Try to think of it as early parole.'

"Your baby's fussiness, whining, and general discontent isn't anything to worry about. It should clear up on its own in about 18 years."

'What do you mean you're going into labor, dear? It's only Saturday. Can't you wait 'til Monday?'

"Let's talk about your overprotective mother."

"Be patient with Ed. You can skip his political harangue in 15 seconds and move right onto sports."

"Then one day he said, 'It's either me or the damned cat!'"

'Man, you are the first parole office to truly understand me.'

'I forgot to bring diapers. We were a long way from refreshing.'

'Stork? No way! You were pulled out of a magician's hat!'

"I think I should be granted early release because the system is so underfunded."

On this date: Overly enthused and attending an NHL game en masse, the National Parole Board exceeds its mandate.

Parole officer: Hanging in and hanging out.

"Pop-up prison."

'I'm getting into a rut -- campaign, election, indictment, parole... campaign, election, indictment, parole....'

"People don't understand that alcoholism is a hazard of my profession!"

"You should have told me you needed advice."

"This job involves travel? Let me call my parole officer and OK it with him."

'I'm not here for committing a crime - I'm here for failing to comply with a guideline.'

"Brad, we've got to talk."

'Do you mind if I call my parole officer?'

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'The parole board finally came through.'

At least you have security!

Musical request "Can you play 'Get me to my parole officer on time'?"

"The board gave me a cancellation then a postponement and now a continuance."

'I'm seeking early parole so I can go on a book-signing tour.'

Mark Chapman goes before the parole board.

'Hi honey, I'm home.'