Parliamentary Punster Gifts

"I'm thinking of buying a peerage with the money from my second job."

'I think this unparliamentary language all started with the oath of allegiance!...They were asked: 'Do you Swear'...'

British savings accounts

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

'It's not easy being green on grass!'

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

Dogs life

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

'Well, if you're going to order 'left wings' and I'm going to order 'right,' maybe we should just order burgers instead.'

"White Collar Prison"

"Let's not try to make this symbolic. Of anything."

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

"Only 150 kids? - Have you considered fertility treatment?"

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

'I was all ready to deal with the military, but I never expected an IRS coup!'

"Read me the one about Ali Obama and the Forty Community Organizers."

Statue of Liberty: Out of Service

'Well yes, we lost, but you asked me if I was a Legal Eagle, not if I was a good lawyer...'

'Scientists claim they have found the 'God Particle'. In a related story, they are still looking for the 'Job Creator Particle'.'

Statistics Research: You Can Fool 45% of the People 55% of the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time.

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

'This is what I mean about inadequate interagency cooperation.'

'Mr. President, you have a phone call. It's the First Hen.'

"You've placed me in a difficult position here, Malcolm."

"I feel that I've been given a unique opportunity to speak out on the issues."

I wonder who's Kissinger now?

'Your North Pole is wobbling - you should see a spin doctor.'

Since you conduct only thought-experiments, we were hoping you would, from time to time, come up with some thought-results.

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

'My mom says an apple a day keeps the physician's assistant away.'

On - Undecided - Off switch