Law Punster Gifts

'Your Honor, do we need the jury judging my performance?'

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

British savings accounts

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

Intelligent people laugh too!

Assault 'n' Vinegar

"Bad dog! I've told you to always proofread."

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

'Did you watch the horror movie?'

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

Sweep the board.

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

Adam names the animals (He puts sticky notes on them saying Shaz, Dave, Trish etc).

"No chips, but I did snag the new Hiaasen."

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

"Where were you between 4 and 6?"

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

Dogs life

'It's worse than we thought: You've got termites.'

'He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.'

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

"So is this war movie rated R, rated PG, or rated RPG?"

'Hi, this is Batman. You've reached the Batcave. I'm not in right now but as soon as I return I'll call you bat.'

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"You wanted the magic back in our relationship..."

Reptile Class: 'My homework ate my dog.'

"We're developing a plan to fix this."

Kamikaze Colour