Parliamentary Punster Pillows

"I'm thinking of buying a peerage with the money from my second job."

'I think this unparliamentary language all started with the oath of allegiance!...They were asked: 'Do you Swear'...'

British savings accounts

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

'It's not easy being green on grass!'

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

Dogs life

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

'Well, if you're going to order 'left wings' and I'm going to order 'right,' maybe we should just order burgers instead.'

"Let's not try to make this symbolic. Of anything."

"Beat it! Here comes the major and his entire staff!"

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

"White Collar Prison"

"Only 150 kids? - Have you considered fertility treatment?"

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

'I was all ready to deal with the military, but I never expected an IRS coup!'

"Read me the one about Ali Obama and the Forty Community Organizers."

"He, Igor? Who are we to play God with its gender pronouns?"

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, I am 62 years old and was fired from my job of 22 years just before xmas 2010. What should I do? Sincerely, Irene. Attack! Stop! Enough, Sadie. Haven't you been listening? The mean-spirited, virulent partisanship of talk show hosts must end. People were hurt and some died. Aren't you the ultimate partisan, you coot? That's different lady! Fasten your seatbelts.

Statue of Liberty: Out of Service

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

'Well yes, we lost, but you asked me if I was a Legal Eagle, not if I was a good lawyer...'

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

Statistics Research: You Can Fool 45% of the People 55% of the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time.

'Scientists claim they have found the 'God Particle'. In a related story, they are still looking for the 'Job Creator Particle'.'

"I feel that I've been given a unique opportunity to speak out on the issues."

'Mr. President, you have a phone call. It's the First Hen.'

"You've placed me in a difficult position here, Malcolm."

'Your North Pole is wobbling - you should see a spin doctor.'

I wonder who's Kissinger now?

'This is what I mean about inadequate interagency cooperation.'

Since you conduct only thought-experiments, we were hoping you would, from time to time, come up with some thought-results.

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'