Party Politics Punster Pillows

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

British savings accounts

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

Intelligent people laugh too!

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

"Bad dog! I've told you to always proofread."

'It's not easy being green on grass!'

Assault 'n' Vinegar

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

Politically Correct Snowperson

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

Sweep the board.

'Did you watch the horror movie?'

Adam names the animals (He puts sticky notes on them saying Shaz, Dave, Trish etc).

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

"Where were you between 4 and 6?"

"No chips, but I did snag the new Hiaasen."

Dogs life

'It's worse than we thought: You've got termites.'

'Hi, this is Batman. You've reached the Batcave. I'm not in right now but as soon as I return I'll call you bat.'

'He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.'

Reptile Class: 'My homework ate my dog.'

"So is this war movie rated R, rated PG, or rated RPG?"

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

"You wanted the magic back in our relationship..."

"We're developing a plan to fix this."