Poll Punster Pillows

'Politically, I'd say I'm 'non-pedigree'.'

British savings accounts

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

'It's not easy being green on grass!'

Dogs life

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

'Well, if you're going to order 'left wings' and I'm going to order 'right,' maybe we should just order burgers instead.'

"Let's not try to make this symbolic. Of anything."

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

'I was all ready to deal with the military, but I never expected an IRS coup!'

Statue of Liberty: Out of Service

"Read me the one about Ali Obama and the Forty Community Organizers."

Math Jokes

Statistics Research: You Can Fool 45% of the People 55% of the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time.

'Scientists claim they have found the 'God Particle'. In a related story, they are still looking for the 'Job Creator Particle'.'

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

'Mr. President, you have a phone call. It's the First Hen.'

"You've placed me in a difficult position here, Malcolm."

"I feel that I've been given a unique opportunity to speak out on the issues."

'This is what I mean about inadequate interagency cooperation.'

...Isolated clumps of strange matter pop briefly out of the quantum foam to debate the possible existence of particle physicists.

'Your North Pole is wobbling - you should see a spin doctor.'

I wonder who's Kissinger now?

On - Undecided - Off switch

Political Science

"Hmmmm. I'll bluff. Then they'll counter-bluff, so if I counter-counter-bluff...password should do it."

"Our flag means debt."

'Please listen carefully as my campaign promise menu has changed...'

Jeb Can Ficks It

Vote Centrist

"Look at this – New Jersey is legalizing catnip."

England's jester - United States' jester.