Poll Punster Pillows

'Politically, I'd say I'm 'non-pedigree'.'

British savings accounts

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

'It's not easy being green on grass!'

Dogs life

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

'Well, if you're going to order 'left wings' and I'm going to order 'right,' maybe we should just order burgers instead.'

"Let's not try to make this symbolic. Of anything."

"Read me the one about Ali Obama and the Forty Community Organizers."

'I was all ready to deal with the military, but I never expected an IRS coup!'

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, I am 62 years old and was fired from my job of 22 years just before xmas 2010. What should I do? Sincerely, Irene. Attack! Stop! Enough, Sadie. Haven't you been listening? The mean-spirited, virulent partisanship of talk show hosts must end. People were hurt and some died. Aren't you the ultimate partisan, you coot? That's different lady! Fasten your seatbelts.

Statue of Liberty: Out of Service

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

Math Jokes

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

Statistics Research: You Can Fool 45% of the People 55% of the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time.

'Scientists claim they have found the 'God Particle'. In a related story, they are still looking for the 'Job Creator Particle'.'

I wonder who's Kissinger now?

'Mr. President, you have a phone call. It's the First Hen.'

"I feel that I've been given a unique opportunity to speak out on the issues."

"You've placed me in a difficult position here, Malcolm."

'This is what I mean about inadequate interagency cooperation.'

...Isolated clumps of strange matter pop briefly out of the quantum foam to debate the possible existence of particle physicists.

'Your North Pole is wobbling - you should see a spin doctor.'

On - Undecided - Off switch

Political Science

"Hmmmm. I'll bluff. Then they'll counter-bluff, so if I counter-counter-bluff...password should do it."

With my home genetic engineering kit, I've created massive, politically active vegetables. From the left, a giant carrot. From the right, big broccoli. It was an accident, but something feels right. Introducing Meet the Produce. Next topic: Trump. Losing. Winning.

"Our flag means debt."

Vote Centrist

"Look at this – New Jersey is legalizing catnip."

"Ah, but that wasn't a campaign promise - It was a NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION!"

'Actually, we're members of a mountain climbing club named for sir Edmund Hillary.'