Parenting Paladin Gifts

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

The Endless Battle of the Organic Gardener

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

'I can't control my anger when people get too close to my kids...'

"Don't tell me... you hired a professional decorator!"

"My kid's a holy terror... no offense."

Mom, there's a simple explanation for this...Aliens from outer space.

Mother puts extra long dummy in babies mouth.

"That's it young man. . . No more energy drinks for you!"

'Stop pulling that silly face, Dear.'

'We'll need lots of nappy changes today, the T. V. just said it's going to be wet and windy.'

Soldier armed with a pen.

"But if I don't break stuff who will?"

'Never mind about buying that trampoline. I love your new bed!'

'I'm not spoiled - I always smell like this.'

'4 Jello desserts - and, for the love of God, please make them all the same color.' (at restaurant with three kids)

"Has your mom tried turning him off and back on again?"

'You've got the Vietnam 1000 yard stare. All new parents get it!'

Buggy with Snowplow.

'Beware of teething baby.'

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

"Be afraid to try new things!"

"Should we keep the receipt in case of returns."

"Why not stay with your mother and me? The Feds will never find you here."

'You'll never be the next Micheal Phelps if you don't start working on your breaststroke.'

'The other kids at school say I might need glasses, Dad.'

"Jackson Pollock's diaper"

"'Parent' should always be an action verb."

Woman feeding baby is covered in food.

'Hey, Dad. We learned all about the Kama Sutra at school today... Oh no, not the Kama Sutra, I mean The Magna Carta.'

"Being a parent is like being in prison. . . except we don't get the hour of exercise."