Parenting Maverick Pillows

'You've got a lot of nerve, lady, calling my son's answers 'wrong'...His answers may be different, but they're just as special and beautiful as anyone else's.'

Dominant hand reveal party

"My Mom lets me go wherever I want. I'm free-range"

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

'The food is great, but it's embarrassing the way she always insists on burping you.'

Gene Therapy

I'm tired of your games, Al. MY games? look who's talking! The guy with the role-playing hand puppets!

"It's nothing, go back to sleep. I was just getting a DNA sample."

Businessman with briefcase pushes stroller with baby and its briefcase.

"Not until you've arranged your pillows."

'I home-schooled all seven kids. Right now I'm in the teacher's lounge.'

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

"And you call yourself a marsupial?"

I mean, do I set the oven at 400'? 450'? How long do I keep them in? Do I turn them halfway through cooking? Oh, if only children came with instructions.

'I know Jesus spoke in parables. Now for the last time, tell me exactly where you put my car keys.'

"Have you ever heard about deferred prosecution agreements, Mommie?"

"Stan, this looks like a breakthrough!"

Chip and Fran Cooper: The Most Embarrassing Parents in the World.

'The fifth rule of parenting. . . cross that bridge when you come to it.'

"Don't try to understand them, just ride and rope and brand them."

"You're leaving?" "Yeah, today's kids are so demanding so I've decided to move to a gluten-free, lactose-free, nut-free, sugar-free neighborhood."

"Don't feel bad. Shallow people make my job easy."

Meals on Heels.

"Well, do you have proof it wasn't bigfoot?

"Go ask your mother."

Conformity

'And do you,take Kevin to be your lawful wedded husband for three years or 50,000 miles?'

"Maybe this session we could work on getting you to admit you need help?"

"Daddy, I know you gave me away, but can you take me back?"

'Ever since this 'evolution' thing started, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching.'

"I'll tell you what: I'll clean up your room, you clean up my laptop."

"If it's important to you, Jessica. It's important to daddy, but I don't think it's important to you."

"I told you not to have that boob job."

"Never mind what Dr. Freud says. You just listen to what Dr. Hippleman says."

Don't sweat the small stuff