Parenting Magician Pillows

I mean, do I set the oven at 400'? 450'? How long do I keep them in? Do I turn them halfway through cooking? Oh, if only children came with instructions.

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

Catching Jeffrey To Change His Diaper.

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"Will you be putting her in day care or bringing her up artisanally?"

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

Young golf ball getting "the talk".

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

Mother puts extra long dummy in babies mouth.

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

"Good news. It's a small pig."

"I have a new program that draws from his energy to power all our computers and phones. We should be good for the next 10 years."

"Beds are not made for jumping on."

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

Children in fancy dress on the way to music lessons

"Have you seen my dad?"

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

"Getting into a fight is one thing, but did you have to get into a class-clearing brawl?"

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

Fat Kid 23- Catches a bogie

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

"Greetings, Earthling. How are the schools?"

'The food is great, but it's embarrassing the way she always insists on burping you.'

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

'Oh, don't mind Jeff. It's just his turn to change the Baby's nappy.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'