Parenting Maverick T-Shirts

'You've got a lot of nerve, lady, calling my son's answers 'wrong'...His answers may be different, but they're just as special and beautiful as anyone else's.'

Dominant hand reveal party

"My Mom lets me go wherever I want. I'm free-range"

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

'The food is great, but it's embarrassing the way she always insists on burping you.'

Gene Therapy

"It's nothing, go back to sleep. I was just getting a DNA sample."

Businessman with briefcase pushes stroller with baby and its briefcase.

"Not until you've arranged your pillows."

'I home-schooled all seven kids. Right now I'm in the teacher's lounge.'

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

"And you call yourself a marsupial?"

"Have you ever heard about deferred prosecution agreements, Mommie?"

'I know Jesus spoke in parables. Now for the last time, tell me exactly where you put my car keys.'

'The fifth rule of parenting. . . cross that bridge when you come to it.'

"Stan, this looks like a breakthrough!"

Chip and Fran Cooper: The Most Embarrassing Parents in the World.

"Don't try to understand them, just ride and rope and brand them."

Meals on Heels.

"You're leaving?" "Yeah, today's kids are so demanding so I've decided to move to a gluten-free, lactose-free, nut-free, sugar-free neighborhood."

"Don't feel bad. Shallow people make my job easy."

"Well, do you have proof it wasn't bigfoot?

"Go ask your mother."

Conformity

'And do you,take Kevin to be your lawful wedded husband for three years or 50,000 miles?'

"Daddy, I know you gave me away, but can you take me back?"

"Maybe this session we could work on getting you to admit you need help?"

Don't sweat the small stuff

"I'll tell you what: I'll clean up your room, you clean up my laptop."

'Ever since this 'evolution' thing started, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching.'

"If it's important to you, Jessica. It's important to daddy, but I don't think it's important to you."

"Never mind what Dr. Freud says. You just listen to what Dr. Hippleman says."

"Ms. Thomas, you'll have to come pick up your son. He's swinging from the chandelier claiming that he can and will divide by zero."

"I'll hold the kid eventually. I just don't want it to develop a false sense of entitlement."

"I told you not to have that boob job."