Parenting Expert Gifts

'What do you mean he got a C-minus on his report! I was up all night writing that thing!'

'Here's my report Dad. I got an A, an S, a B and an O.'

"We've been thinking a lot about what we want to do with your life."

Toxic waste

'My own debit card would really be a great way to teach me the value of a dollar.'

"I'm crying because, by god, it works."

"I raised three kids, so you could say I was in risk management."

"Smoothies again?"

'Now that's what I call a sneeze!'

'We now feel it's best that baby keeps her security blanket until she's old enough for a cell phone.'

"Mommm! I know you said ''no,' but it wasn't your usual firm 'no' that I admire and respect so much!"

Alternative Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous: 'Oh, oh, I'd better put the kids to bed!'

'Billy's father is a doctor and Tom's a malpractice lawyer.'

"I see you've painted yourself into a corner."

'-and the next time I fly south I'm damn well staying there!'

Quality Time

Rings beneath your eyes mean that you have children.

"No, son, tar and feathers are no longer used as punishment. Nowadays we just use sticky notes."

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"What changed? I once said a bad word when I was real little, and everyone laughed!"

"Trust me, with me in charge, your kid will behave and be safe..."

"I found out the three words a father hates most on Christmas morning. 'Some assembly required'."

Brights: A school for parents with special needs.

"Yes, he was very nice, Mom, but he had to cut the date short because it was... 'report card time'!"

"Because I said so, is in fact an effective argument for debate. Just ask my mom."

"Today, I'm helping you understand teenage excuses. 'Why should I wash dishes?! I only used one fork!' Believe me, kids love that line."

"No, honey, your father didn't mean we called a baby sitter, he meant a child sitter....I mean a person sitter!"

"It's true, mommy...the chocolate bunny attacked me - it was self-defense!"

"Here comes the choo-choo train..."

"Leon, you are a millennial Odyssey."

Dad doesn't initiate much legislation, but he uses his veto power a lot.

"They grow up so slow."

"Now you know how Daddy feels when Mommy overdraws the checkbook."

"Don't make me turn this covered wagon around!"

"Use a fork."