Parenting Council Gifts

"By our estimates, it's going to take two villages to raise Joey."

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

“She’s in her abstract expressionism phase.”

'I don't want him experiencing anything until I've totally checked it out.'

"Look Mommy, hat!"

"That's not how I sat on you."

"My kid's a holy terror... no offense."

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

'I'm not spoiled - I always smell like this.'

My 5-year-old nephew cut his hair! His mom was so upset until she thought: 'Wait a minute! I just saved 12 bucks!'

"How many times have I told you kids to hang your coats in the closet?"

'Do you have any books on controlling little monsters?'

Ask Sadie Advice Hour. What's your problem?! I don't want to vaccinate my kids. But my husband does. What do I do? Excellent question. It reminds me of the time Mother Cohen and Father Cohen were arguing about vaccinating us kids. Father Cohen accused her of being a pawn of the Illuminati's attempt to use diphtheria to mutate us into ape-people. Mother Cohen accused him of being anti-Darwinian. That's when Father Cohen brought up her illicit fling with Chuck Darwin, and all heck broke loose. Um

"Mom, can you come get me?"

'Your parents are way too overprotective.'

'Never underestimate the value of pipe-dreams, my son.'

Mom's Diner/Mom's Desserts

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

Icarus, you are not flying anywhere until you put on some sunscreen.

Parenting Business Deals

Thunk! Teddy! Pick them up! They're toxic to all living things! Ok. Ok. But you don't have to exaggerate. Regrettably � I'm not.

"I told my mom either the sitter goes, or I go!"

'But, Mom, being good just doesn't work for me.'

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

'The best way to teach my son is by example, you know: Monkey see, monkey do...'

"Technology is for babies!"

"All this time I've been trying to get her to walk, and all it took was a phone."

"Tell the truth, Ezra. Does it look like he's being a more effective parent than me?"

"You know, son, you're not going to get anywhere just gliding around all the time!"

"If we synchronize our tantrums, they'll have to stop talking. You in?"

"Leapfrog is the latest craze among the kids, but experts say it contribute to declining birthrates. Find out why � after the break!"

"It's all significantly less impressive once you realize these guys had free child care."

"Hold it right there! Our legislature is currently considering new measures to protect children from the insidious ravages of cell phones in schools!"