Parenthood Experience Collector Gifts

Me dropping the phone into the toilet is your version of events.

What did I tell you about covering your bottom when you sneeze?

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

'Congratulations! You've just downloaded a baby boy.'

"Now that I can talk, here's my speaking fee."

The only way to see the world is to see the world

"It's so nice to finally put a face to the name."

"I thought it would be nice if we had a forum where we could get together and have screaming tantrums."

"So last Christmas it was those Cabbage Patch Kids."

Heading off with a packed bag

The Impractical Guide to having a baby.

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

"My inner child feels threatened by my inner baby."

'This is not fair, mom. . . none of my friends is forced to hibernate before December.'

'How many fingers do you see?'

"Bless, Poppy's first tweet!"

"Funny, I don't remember signing up for this."

Woman Window Shops For A Baby Book

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."

"Well, now we've seen it."

'We've never had an accident - aside from three of our five kids.'

"Oh, no! My bucket list!"

"You're six years old and I'm your mother! - I'm SUPPOSED to impose my moral standards on you!"

'Our computer responds to voice commands, but our kids don't.'

"Why are you special? Because I'm your mommy, and I'm special."

Been there. Done that. (Man stands between two doors.)

You can't focus on the cost of raising a child. True. They do have benefits. Mom! The glue spilled into your underwear drawer! Dad! Where's the toilet plunger? Though nothing specific leaps to mind.

Maternity Arrivals

"We've completely child-proofed our home."

Please take a number.

D-Day (Dad Day)

"Travel changed me."

My changing Body: A Guide For New Fathers

"...Mom, can you get me a glass of wine?"

“It's a healthy baby boy. And, wow, the mouth on your wife …”