Parental Patience Warrior Pillows

"I've had it with the nineties!"

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

Mom, there's a simple explanation for this...Aliens from outer space.

'I can't control my anger when people get too close to my kids...'

Baby pram as a tank

"My kid's a holy terror... no offense."

'Stop pulling that silly face, Dear.'

"That's it young man. . . No more energy drinks for you!"

Well, we thought we had childproofed the house

'We'll need lots of nappy changes today, the T. V. just said it's going to be wet and windy.'

"But if I don't break stuff who will?"

'I'm not spoiled - I always smell like this.'

That's my daughter, Alayna

'Tommy's doing fine. I'm concerned about your poor fund-raising record. You sold only two magazine subscriptions and one measly candy bar.'

'You've got the Vietnam 1000 yard stare. All new parents get it!'

"Has your mom tried turning him off and back on again?"

'Beware of teething baby.'

Buggy with Snowplow.

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

"No, I don't look in the mirror. I look in the soap."

Pinata good bags.

"Jackson Pollock's diaper"

"Being a parent is like being in prison. . . except we don't get the hour of exercise."

Woman feeding baby is covered in food.

"No, I wasn't in a car accident. As a new parent, I'm still trying not to trip on all the toys on the floor."

'Hey, Dad. We learned all about the Kama Sutra at school today... Oh no, not the Kama Sutra, I mean The Magna Carta.'

"Good luck Mr. Bond, you have one minute to diffuse this tantrum."

"'Parent' should always be an action verb."

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

"Puffiness and dark circles under the eyes, sniffles, trouble sleeping, rashes...you don't have allergies...you have children."

'These are very powerful tranquilizers for when your teen has he horrific tantrums. Take two of them anytime she flares up.'

'Excuse me mom, I've got to take a call.'

"I changed my mind – no more kids."

"He keeps touching me!"

"I just called to say I love you, but come to think of it - can I borrow some money?"