Parental Patience Expert Pillows

"I didn't want to peak too early."

'I asked them to behave like adults, and they ranted, they raved, and they cussed a blue streak!'

"My kid's a holy terror... no offense."

"It's true, mommy...the chocolate bunny attacked me - it was self-defense!"

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

"Yes, he was very nice, Mom, but he had to cut the date short because it was... 'report card time'!"

"No, I don't look in the mirror. I look in the soap."

'Is it okay to apologize for something I'm going to do?'

Sometimes nature not only calls; she makes an emergency breakthrough.

Penguin kid to parents: 'Big deal! You're grounding me!'

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

Look at it this way: You're changing the future of the nation...one diaper at a time!

"Now you know how Daddy feels when Mommy overdraws the checkbook."

"Don't make me turn this covered wagon around!"

'Excuse me mom, I've got to take a call.'

"I just called to say I love you, but come to think of it - can I borrow some money?"

"You know you have to wait an hour after eating before getting out of the water, young man!"

"Trust me, with me in charge, your kid will behave and be safe..."

'Why are you so obnoxious?' 'Heredity!'

'My own debit card would really be a great way to teach me the value of a dollar.'

'We now feel it's best that baby keeps her security blanket until she's old enough for a cell phone.'

Mommy and daddy Are Always Right!

"Don't worry, it gets easier when they're 35."

"I'm too old for baby limas."

'No we are not there yet, we're just leaving our drive!'

'No need to make a judgement, King Solomon, we can run a DNA test.'

'...... in sickness and in health, through the long lean years before tenure or perhaps no tenure, for better of for worse ......'

"I've had it with the nineties!"

"Don't use that howl language with me!"

Kids, kids. Did you forget it was Mother's Day again?

"Jeffrey, this is Marcus, your new Stunt Double. He'll be riding your tricycle for you from now on."

"What changed? I once said a bad word when I was real little, and everyone laughed!"

"Today we practiced counting to five, and the teacher practiced counting to ten."

'But darling, instinct only gets you so far in life: You need to go to school as well...'

'Did Dr. Spock ever write anything about how to handle PARENTS?'