Parental Patience Expert Pillows

"I didn't want to peak too early."

'I asked them to behave like adults, and they ranted, they raved, and they cussed a blue streak!'

"My kid's a holy terror... no offense."

"It's true, mommy...the chocolate bunny attacked me - it was self-defense!"

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

"Yes, he was very nice, Mom, but he had to cut the date short because it was... 'report card time'!"

'Is it okay to apologize for something I'm going to do?'

"No, I don't look in the mirror. I look in the soap."

Sometimes nature not only calls; she makes an emergency breakthrough.

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

Penguin kid to parents: 'Big deal! You're grounding me!'

Look at it this way: You're changing the future of the nation...one diaper at a time!

"Now you know how Daddy feels when Mommy overdraws the checkbook."

"Don't make me turn this covered wagon around!"

'Excuse me mom, I've got to take a call.'

"Trust me, with me in charge, your kid will behave and be safe..."

"I just called to say I love you, but come to think of it - can I borrow some money?"

"You know you have to wait an hour after eating before getting out of the water, young man!"

'Why are you so obnoxious?' 'Heredity!'

'My own debit card would really be a great way to teach me the value of a dollar.'

Mommy and daddy Are Always Right!

'We now feel it's best that baby keeps her security blanket until she's old enough for a cell phone.'

'No need to make a judgement, King Solomon, we can run a DNA test.'

"Don't worry, it gets easier when they're 35."

'No we are not there yet, we're just leaving our drive!'

"I'm too old for baby limas."

'...... in sickness and in health, through the long lean years before tenure or perhaps no tenure, for better of for worse ......'

"Don't use that howl language with me!"

"Jeffrey, this is Marcus, your new Stunt Double. He'll be riding your tricycle for you from now on."

Kids, kids. Did you forget it was Mother's Day again?

'But darling, instinct only gets you so far in life: You need to go to school as well...'

"What changed? I once said a bad word when I was real little, and everyone laughed!"

'Did Dr. Spock ever write anything about how to handle PARENTS?'

"Today we practiced counting to five, and the teacher practiced counting to ten."

'You've got to keep it straight. With Mom it's burping, with Dad it's running in the house.'