Parental Patience Pundit Pillows

Are you calling 911?!

"My kid's a holy terror... no offense."

"No, I don't look in the mirror. I look in the soap."

'Before we begin, he's the one that's been helping me with my homework.'

"We encourage Theo to challenge clichés and mediocrity."

"We like to think he's experimenting with color and form, but his art therapist suggested we're not giving him enough candy."

'Excuse me mom, I've got to take a call.'

"The economy doesn’t make me half as nervous as my kids do."

"I just called to say I love you, but come to think of it - can I borrow some money?"

'Why are you so obnoxious?' 'Heredity!'

"I'm sure he's a fine boy, but we prefer interviewing your son in person."

"I'm too old for baby limas."

'... And, don't worry about his future. I'm sure my Son will give him a job, when they grow up.'

"Don't worry, it gets easier when they're 35."

"I'v got this center-of-the-universe gig."

Child Development: 'He's developing just fine, those babies in the commercials aren't really talking.'

"Pardon me, but I couldn’t help noticing how well-behaved your children are. May I ask which medications they’re on?"

Driver being taught by impatient parent

"I've had it with the nineties!"

"What part of this don't you understand?"

'You couldn't just lock him up somewhere, could you?'

'Said once, and never again!'

"Men are like fast food - expensive, unhealthy and they make you fat."

"Podca-a-a-a-a-a-ast!!!"

'Satellite TV? You're spoiling that kid.'

David Cameron Parenting Classes: 'After registering them for Eton the next most important thing is selecting the right nanny!'

'Mommy!'

"As a child, Timothy would often test his mother’s patience."

"You can do anything in life, son... as long as it's something that can be done by a duck."

'No, I haven't heard that the FDA has taken broccoli off the market.'

For most, the day before school started was considered Labor Day. For Stewie's mom however, it had always been considered Independence Day.

'My composition is 'parental discipline and what we can do about it'.'

'My teacher gives me a note to take home to my mother almost every day. I think they're pen pals.'

"Dad, do they ever have a 'Staying Home From Work Cause You're Faking You're Sick With Your Child' day?"

"No thanks! My dad said those things will kill you!"