Parental Critic Gifts

"Parental advisory explicit content"

"Dad won't let me play video games because they promote violence...so he's letting me play with his assault rifle collection!"

"They grow up so fast."

'You do a passable Jerry Lewis, but your Frank Sinatra stinks.'

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

"What can I say? Second grade just hasn't lived up to the hype."

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

"Yeah, he's very like his father isn't he?"

New dunce caps

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

"We like to think he's experimenting with color and form, but his art therapist suggested we're not giving him enough candy."

Mobile phone damage to children.

"In regards to my son's education I am a firm believer in 'Laissez-Faire'."

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

'It's not gifts I want, but someone who listens.'

"I won't do the 'What I did on my summer vacation' assignment. I consider it a privacy issue."

Dad’s Homework Assignment

"I don't want your teacher to think a kid with grades this bad....could possibly have a father who could read or write."

"Childbirth just isn't keeping pace with modern marketing. We still don't come with a manufacturing warranty.

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

"Pardon me, but I couldn’t help noticing how well-behaved your children are. May I ask which medications they’re on?"

"Well, we’ve covered the weather, my prostate, your incontinence … I suppose our idiot children are up next?"

'I would probably do a lot better if you would just teach me stuff I already know.'

'No, I haven't heard that the FDA has taken broccoli off the market.'

'Excellent grape jelly, Mother -- I detect Macabeo, Arinto, Rotgipfler, and just a hint of Hondarrabi Zuri.'

Mom's cafe

The Illusion of School Choice

"My son is a millennial—I should just go to jail for him."

'My teacher gives me a note to take home to my mother almost every day. I think they're pen pals.'

'I don't think your dad likes me, Angie.'

"I know this sounds corny, Bob, but for me, the true measure of success is when I can look at the man in the mirror each day and still find a way to blame my parents for everything wrong in my life!"

'I don't know what all the fuss is about, all my babies have been designer.'

'Kindergarten is supposed to be fun. You mustn't be doing it right.'