Family Critic Gifts

Mom's cafe

"Well, we’ve covered the weather, my prostate, your incontinence … I suppose our idiot children are up next?"

"Bond James, Bond."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

"They grow up so fast."

Benedict Cumberbatch

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Herman Mankiewicz

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"I've seem an awful lot of movies ever since they cut them all down to two minutes."

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"Now Playing: One of those Jane Austen movies."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

'This should be perfect. The main characters fall in love during a series of explosions.'

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

"It turns out that if you give a hundred monkeys a hundred typewriters, eventually they'll turn out the work of Tarantino."

Men: Hating chick flicks since 1623.

Film Festival. Events. Screenings. Ernie attends these festivals in costume. He's gone over to the dork side!

Censors 'no' a good thing when they see it.

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

'This is the worst film noir I've ever seen.'

No, this is the red lagoon, the black one is down the road a bit.

'It was great. I hated it.'

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

"You had the power to leave all along - just click your heels three times, grab your coat, and sneak out without saying goodbye."

The Beard in the Stone

The Da Vinci Cod

'Hey, Charlie, have we got good news for you!'

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

"You can tell it's a period drama because they're not wearing ozone helmets."

Little Red Riding Carpet

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

"I'm torn, Randy. I don't know what to think." "About what, little buddy?" "Star Trek. The last movie got rave reviews. Critics and audiences loved it. Therefore, I loved it too. But it didn't come anywhere close to earning $1 billion at the box office. And these days, any movie that doesn't earn $1 billion is a complete failure. Therefore, I must hate it. I'm in limbo until the hive mind comes to a consensus." "Except for honey, nothing good ever comes from hives."