Family Life Critics Gifts

"Yet another year and we can't post this on Facebook."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

"I told you not to touch it. I should've used your language and told you not to click on it."

"We'd love to come, but we can't seem to find a sitter."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

Early Man Late Man

'We'll never understand these kids. It's the old evolution gap.'

Daily Routine

'If he hasn't got a name yet, how do we know he's ours?'

'I can remember when paranoia was unusual.'

"Bottled or breast?"

"I've got something in what used to be a decrepit, run-down, unfashionable area."

"Yeah, work is tough, but nothing compared to coming home and stepping on one of the kids' legos."

Man calling Phone Privacy Centre

'It's not gifts I want, but someone who listens.'

"I got a dog as a replacement child."

Medical Bracelet

"I medicate first and ask questions later."

A beach has meters.

"Power! Power!"

Yeah, I'm standing here alone yelling a bunch of nonsense, but if I had a cell phone, you'd think it was acceptable!

"Well, we’ve covered the weather, my prostate, your incontinence … I suppose our idiot children are up next?"

Kingdom of Heaven- Exact Change Only

"I forgot to call in dead."

'How do you figure?'

"Oh no Henry - Not Another one of your proclamations!"

The Swat Team of 15-L

"If you'd wanted me to be successful you should have set a better example."

"Look, a shooting star- let's critique it!"

"I have to take it back to the shop and throw it away."

Escalator Diving Board

"Yea, mom, knows everything...she's momnipotent."

"Too bad teenagers don't have a chrysalis stage."

"This whole forest is getting unbearably gentrified."