Family Dynamics Critic Gifts

Human Cull: People who think marriage and parenthood is the only measure of success.

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

I like the Jets...I guess

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

Relationship Warning Lights

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

"My mom says I can start a rock band if I call it 'I Love My Mommy'. You in?"

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

'Everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other.'

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

Children's Party

"You never told me your dad was so delightfully old-fashioned."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

'It's time to move out when Mom says...'

"I'll go to my room and do my homework, but I want time and a half."

'What did I learn in school today? You'd better sit down.'

"This is not what I meant when I said you needed to practice your play fighting..."

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

"If we play house, Timmy, we can't live with my parents because..."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"Raymond's prospects look good, Daddy. . . He's pretty sure he's picked all six lotto numbers!"

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

Ask Sadie Advice Hour. What's your problem?! I don't want to vaccinate my kids. But my husband does. What do I do? Excellent question. It reminds me of the time Mother Cohen and Father Cohen were arguing about vaccinating us kids. Father Cohen accused her of being a pawn of the Illuminati's attempt to use diphtheria to mutate us into ape-people. Mother Cohen accused him of being anti-Darwinian. That's when Father Cohen brought up her illicit fling with Chuck Darwin, and all heck broke loose. Um

"Get up at 7; leave for school by 8; no video games until after homework is done -- how about some regulatory relief?"

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

"We located the hissing noise, Mr. Watkins. Your wife's mother is in the back seat."

"Nicole’s parents celebrated her curious mind, even in those moments when it really depressed them."

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'A boy at school was named after his father. They've called him Dad.'

"Why do small children ask so many questions?" "Why not? We need to learn, don’t we? Anyway it’s no big deal is it? Isn’t that what parents are for? You were probably the same, weren’t you? So why complain?"

"If you think the first half of this psychological test is intrusive, wait until you're grilled by me mother."