Family Dynamics Commentator Gifts

"I'm divorced, Mother, not 'pre-owned'."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

I like the Jets...I guess

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

"I thought it would be nice if we had a forum where we could get together and have screaming tantrums."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"Look at their faces! What did they expect? They never visited her! Of course the will says her money goes to the cat shelter. . ."

"Nothing else in my room can spin on the floor like a bottle."

A child as a pet substitute.

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

'We're playing I'm a mummy with lots of different daddies!'

"Could you please downgrade this to a C? High expectations bring out the worst in my parents."

'So, you're an organ-grinder's monkey? A professional beggar? Is that how you intend to support my daughter?'

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

'It's funny really - when your father's home he hardly ever says a word!'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

"I told you not to touch it. I should've used your language and told you not to click on it."

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."

'Who says women don't like chase scenes?'

"It's easy to understand the theory of evolution when you have a brother!"

"Oh, you silly girl, you! Don't tell me you brought home another husband."

"We need to have a serious talk."

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

'Okay, okay - is there anyone OTHER that the bride's mother who objects to this marriage?'

'You are right, honey, it's raining too much. It's not the best day to visit my mom.'

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."