Family Life Critics Pillows

"Yet another year and we can't post this on Facebook."

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"We'd love to come, but we can't seem to find a sitter."

"I told you not to touch it. I should've used your language and told you not to click on it."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'We'll never understand these kids. It's the old evolution gap.'

Early Man Late Man

Daily Routine

'If he hasn't got a name yet, how do we know he's ours?'

"Bottled or breast?"

'I can remember when paranoia was unusual.'

"I've got something in what used to be a decrepit, run-down, unfashionable area."

Man calling Phone Privacy Centre

"Yeah, work is tough, but nothing compared to coming home and stepping on one of the kids' legos."

'It's not gifts I want, but someone who listens.'

"I got a dog as a replacement child."

A beach has meters.

"I medicate first and ask questions later."

Medical Bracelet

"Power! Power!"

Yeah, I'm standing here alone yelling a bunch of nonsense, but if I had a cell phone, you'd think it was acceptable!

"I forgot to call in dead."

"Well, we’ve covered the weather, my prostate, your incontinence … I suppose our idiot children are up next?"

"If you'd wanted me to be successful you should have set a better example."

'How do you figure?'

"Oh no Henry - Not Another one of your proclamations!"

The Swat Team of 15-L

Kingdom of Heaven- Exact Change Only

"Look, a shooting star- let's critique it!"

"I have to take it back to the shop and throw it away."

Escalator Diving Board

"Yea, mom, knows everything...she's momnipotent."

Mom's cafe

"This whole forest is getting unbearably gentrified."