Modern Family Critic Pillows

'It's not gifts I want, but someone who listens.'

"My son is a millennial—I should just go to jail for him."

"They grow up so fast."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

'We're playing I'm a mummy with lots of different daddies!'

"I'm used to falling asleep with the TV on. Read me an infomercial."

"It's a mixed-use facility: retail space, low-rent housing, luxury apartments, and an area set aside for making steel."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'If he hasn't got a name yet, how do we know he's ours?'

Daily Routine

Early Man Late Man

"How many times do I have to beep you?"

'I can remember when paranoia was unusual.'

"I've got something in what used to be a decrepit, run-down, unfashionable area."

Three-way mirror

'Until I met your Mom, yes.'

Man calling Phone Privacy Centre

A beach has meters.

Medical Bracelet

"I medicate first and ask questions later."

'Why don't you stop moaning, and be grateful that mother was kind enough to invite us around for a special halloween supper!'

"Power! Power!"

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

'In my day we called it 'parenting', not 'troubleshooting your kid'.'

'Real Sex is consensual non-cyber + includes conversation.'

"Well, we’ve covered the weather, my prostate, your incontinence … I suppose our idiot children are up next?"

"I forgot to call in dead."

“At what point does it stop being just moths, and start being Pestilence?”

Kingdom of Heaven- Exact Change Only

'No, the woman of the house is at work. May I help you?'

'Yup! Lots to give, not much to lose!'

"Son, I think it's about time we had the TED Talk."

'Mom, Kevin just asked me to live with him!'