Modern Childhood Critic Pillows

"No, you don't log onto it. You get on it."

"Why would I want to meet Santa? I can just go home and log onto his social media page from the comfort of my bed."

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"That newspaper has been showing up ever since you started reading the news online. I think it feels betrayed."

"No, I don't play. I just watch people play on the internet."

"I'm used to falling asleep with the TV on. Read me an infomercial."

"Don't forget to rate us on stable-BnB."

"It's a mixed-use facility: retail space, low-rent housing, luxury apartments, and an area set aside for making steel."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"Tarzan no want computer."

Early Man Late Man

Daily Routine

"It's cute that yours has a Fire Island share, mine has the East Hampton Dream House."

"I've got something in what used to be a decrepit, run-down, unfashionable area."

'I can remember when paranoia was unusual.'

"My parents call it a blanket hanging from my ceiling. I call it a giant privacy filter."

Man calling Phone Privacy Centre

'Here, Santa. My wish list wouldn't fit on paper, so take this flash drive.'

"He added the computer, TV and cable box. Apparently, sand wasn't enough."

Clever youth stating that he considers Shakespeare overrated

"I'll take anything that connects to the internet."

'It's not gifts I want, but someone who listens.'

Medical Bracelet

"Have you noticed how blatant sex is everywhere in the culture but here?"

"Those aren't drones. Those are birds. You need to get out more."

"Kids today are so blasé. Her first word was 'meh' instead of mommy."

"I medicate first and ask questions later."

A beach has meters.

"Power! Power!"

'Real Sex is consensual non-cyber + includes conversation.'

"I forgot to call in dead."

Kingdom of Heaven- Exact Change Only

"Look, a shooting star- let's critique it!"