Modern Childhood Analyst Pillows

"I'm getting a little tired of social media. He got mad at me so he said he is going to 'undad' me."

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"The way he stacks those blocks, I see repression, some hostility, and a lot of dissatisfaction with his place in society."

Crap from the future.

'Ah, it's so precious to witness a child learn how government actually works...'

"Why would I want to meet Santa? I can just go home and log onto his social media page from the comfort of my bed."

"No, I don't play. I just watch people play on the internet."

Modern Life Blues

"This is NOT what I meant when I said you kids could have more screen time."

"I'm used to falling asleep with the TV on. Read me an infomercial."

Typical bored kid of the New Millennium

"Its's a beautiful day. Why don't you play outside?"

"Coming soon...what I did over summer vacation...the podcast!"

A boy and his spin patrol.

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

'Life's little wonders are too big for me.'

"She's cute all right. But, whoa, what a narcissist!"

"My parents call it a blanket hanging from my ceiling. I call it a giant privacy filter."

Childhood Screen Addict

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

"Very funny."

Man looking at a vending machine with a hand sticking out of it and a sign that reads "Put'er there buddy".

"He added the computer, TV and cable box. Apparently, sand wasn't enough."

Kids' energy levels

Two ATMs sit side by side; one is labeled "Cash" while the other is labeled "Power".

"He looks so natural."

"Those aren't drones. Those are birds. You need to get out more."

'All those years of teaching me to walk and talk. . . now all they want is for me to sit down and shut up!'

"Luckily, our retirement funds are entirely in double lattes."

"Andy plays perfectly well with others - it's others who don't play well with Andy."

The meaning of life...

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

Swings Doctor

"We have very little need these days to employ a cudgel."

"Pop-up prison."