Family Life Commentator Pillows

'Don't mind them. I've got a helicopter mom and a drone dad.'

'Oh, nothing much, mother. Howard is sitting in his easy chair with his feet up - the picture of resentment.'

'How do you figure?'

'Have you ever noticed? - People who don't have kids tend to talk a lot about their money.'

'Since he did his assertiveness course I havn't been able to get anywhere near our T.V remote control.'

"Lucky that god gave us friends to compensate for giving us parents!"

"If you'd wanted me to be successful you should have set a better example."

"I told you not to touch it. I should've used your language and told you not to click on it."

"Yeah, work is tough, but nothing compared to coming home and stepping on one of the kids' legos."

"Oh no Henry - Not Another one of your proclamations!"

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

'With these alternative fertility treatments you never quite know how things turn out,'

"The couch hates me Jane!"

"It keeps it out of sight when we're not watching it."

George Washington's sister was always getting him into trouble.

"You're good mum. But, Billy's mum is a better cook than you. She only knows how to make chocolate cake."

"They're clean Mum, I washed them yesterday."

"Show me a man who's optimistic about the human race..."

'If he hasn't got a name yet, how do we know he's ours?'

Man watches a cat enter a pet door to a "V.I.P. Lounge" in an airport

"Careful George. You don't want to hurt our baby boy."

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

How it started: How it's going

"The doctor wants you to point to where it hurts."

"I'm charging you with texting and driving."

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'

"They put nipples on the mannequins so you'll look at the stupid sweaters. Duh!"

Our Troubled Chowders

'Quit playing kick ball with your brother!'

"No way! You're a telemarketer?! This is so great – hold on, I want to get comfortable ... how did you get my number?"

"Is there someone have called Frobisher?"

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

'I was texting when my pop spilled on my laptop, which made me drop my iPod. So you see, officer, it wasn't my fault. Blame technology.'

"Dad! Woody's taking all the fun out of the Easter egg hunt!"

"I did warn you. Mum can take her time warming to a new boyfriend."