Family Commentators Pillows

'If he hasn't got a name yet, how do we know he's ours?'

Consistent education is important!

"They grow up so fast."

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

National Living Wage from April 1st.

"I told you not to touch it. I should've used your language and told you not to click on it."

"Neversource"

Why Superman flies himself

"When Harold first said he identified as a balloon animal I thought it was just a phase, but here we are fifteen years later and it seems to be working."

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

'I don't care if he is the most interesting man in the world, his tweets about what he had for breakfast are still boring.'

"We like to think he's experimenting with color and form, but his art therapist suggested we're not giving him enough candy."

"Whatever happened to traditional marriages? There they are...on national television...with millions of people watching...two women getting married! And they're both wearing blue jeans!"

"Today on the ask Sadie show, we'll be addressing one single topic: 'Wolverine.' Specifically, we'll be talking about how most of you freaks who were obsessed with it for months are no longer talking about it. You people today have the attention span of a chimpanzee!!! That's an average of about 20 seconds, for those of you who still remember what I just said."

"Bad news - the local sewage plant is made of reinforced autoclaved aerated concrete."

NHS Stabbing Ward

"I'm trying to make them look less scary."

Self Checkout

"First the artillery softens them up. Then the armored division moves in, followed by the infantry. And remember: we're dealing with hardened asylum seekers."

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- it's hard to believe we're related.'

'So is this your lazy days of summer, or are we still working on spring?'

"I hate when this happens."

"I believe you were complaining about your cold this morning."

"I know I say it in every episode, Carson, but the world is changing and we have to change with it."

'oh...You're home, just when my spirits were rising.'

'I like this new alcohol labelling.'

"Yeah, work is tough, but nothing compared to coming home and stepping on one of the kids' legos."

"I've been living vicariously through a really boring person."

"Wow, maybe Heidi Klum looks like Gisele Bundchen."

'I'm sorry, but we're letting all of you go. Your jobs have been outsourced to India.'

'It's not gifts I want, but someone who listens.'

'I envy your metabolism.'

'Let's do those Grimm brothers for hate speech.'

Man to man re: crackpot's sign that says, 'Your Nutty Idea Here': Everybody's out to make a buck these days.

Corporate Ladder.