Family Commentator Pillows

"Families depress me."

The number of couples separating keeps growing.

'Why is it that I'm the one who had the children and you're the one who lost your figure?'

"They grow up so fast."

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

Graph Your Relatives!

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

"He is throwing another of his 'hissy fits' again!"

'Look, Dad, I made a pair of boots out of your chest waders.'

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

Growth Charts

"Dad's barbeucuing again so Mom's got the pizza place on speed dial."

'MUM, go and get Daddy, there's another knight coming: This is so much fun!'

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

"Raymond's prospects look good, Daddy. . . He's pretty sure he's picked all six lotto numbers!"

"Hello? Guys? Okay, I've had a long day and I'm very tired, so no pranks this time. I'm serious... guys?!"

"I finally cleaned my room. You don't think she'll look in the yard, do you?"

"The couch hates me Jane!"

"Okay, you can keep 'em, but if they grow any bigger, they'll have to sleep in the kitchen."

"My parents said that until I find a job and move out they will not recognize me as a sentient being."

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

'I want to give my children all the things I never had. Then move in with them.'

"Stop billing your daughter for reading her bedtime stories!!"