Life Commentator Pillows

I feel such a failure, I'm thirty something and nobody's tried to make a fly-on-the-wall documentary about me

"I've been living vicariously through a really boring person."

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

Toy Shops and Educated Children

"It keeps it out of sight when we're not watching it."

"I told you not to touch it. I should've used your language and told you not to click on it."

"Bill, I do believe you've written the great American memo."

"If they do let anyone go I don't think age will be a consideration. You shouldn't kill yourself trying to look younger than you are."

Occupant.

"Ever notice how grateful people are when you present them with facts contrary to their beliefs?"

"Show me a man who's optimistic about the human race..."

From Here You Can See Bugger All

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

Goodnight Social Media.

"Under our new definition of 'what is a sale?', he hasn't made any this year."

Man watches a cat enter a pet door to a "V.I.P. Lounge" in an airport

"No way! You're a telemarketer?! This is so great – hold on, I want to get comfortable ... how did you get my number?"

I'd like to replace him with a computer, but we can't find out what he does.

Sculptor explaining to tourist in Trafalgar Square that sculpture of pigeon is called 'Retribution - it actually doubles as a giant privy!'

"We don't have a gym, but the boss keeps you on your toes."

"Is there someone have called Frobisher?"

Take a pill so you won't be one.

"The doctor wants you to point to where it hurts."

"They put nipples on the mannequins so you'll look at the stupid sweaters. Duh!"

"I'm charging you with texting and driving."

Blues for now.

Our Troubled Chowders

'All we want is to be loved while making obscene profits.'

'I was texting when my pop spilled on my laptop, which made me drop my iPod. So you see, officer, it wasn't my fault. Blame technology.'

'Illegal immigrants, if you ask me.'

'We're looking for a wifi hotspot.'

"I did warn you. Mum can take her time warming to a new boyfriend."

"It just doesn't crackle like the one on Netflix."

"Scan my own items, bag my own food? If I wanted to work here, I'd fill out an application!"

"Meaning of life!!" "Meaning of 'Game of Thrones' series finale"