Parental Banter Lover Pillows

"Oh yeah... well I say my kid is better at math and social studies than your kid!"

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

'Son, sometimes I think you don't know your head from your tail. Come to think of it, it is tough.'

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

'Well it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"It's from the children. They'd like us to let them in."

"I have to wear a bike helmet all the time after Mommie heard cars kill more pedestrians than cyclists!"

'Dad, can you teach me to swim?' 'Well, I'm not much of a swimmer, but I can teach you to tread water. I do that every day at work.'

"Whadd ya wanna be for Halloween, Bro?"

"But mom, I can't clean my room now. I just won the Kids Bedroom Seal of Approval!"

'Don't clean me up too good... no one will recognize me.'

"I'm trying to make them look less scary."

"Your mom is a little overprotective, isn't she?"

"Has your mother called yet on the international situation?"

I arrived, I Ate, I Conquered (aka Pooped).

'....How many babies are you going to have, mommy?"

"I can't use the computer tonight -- Dad has to scroll to his year of birth."

"But Mom said to ask YOU!"

'Pack your things we're moving.'

'I can't talk now Kevin. I'm under house arrest.'

"Stop following me! I taught you all that I know."

CCTV? Good grief, what do they think I'm going to vandalise in here??

Children Who Have Given Up Soap For Lent

'Don't worry about me, mom, I'll be fine as long as you keep working!'

"You claimed I was getting on your last nerve. Having only one nerve left sounds serious, so I called an ambulance."

The terrible 2's. It was an awful stage.

'For a brief time I held the world record for the youngest person on earth.'

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I might find the colostrum?"

"Stickers, fairy tattoos, a coloring book ... but no, Mom, I'm not seeing any stretch-mark cream in the goody bag."

"I think our daughter got her brains from me."

"You cheated on the assignment and got an A? Glad to see you've learned a useful life skill."