Parental Banter Lover Pillows

"Oh yeah... well I say my kid is better at math and social studies than your kid!"

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

'Son, sometimes I think you don't know your head from your tail. Come to think of it, it is tough.'

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

Sperm Whale.

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

'Well it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"It's from the children. They'd like us to let them in."

"I have to wear a bike helmet all the time after Mommie heard cars kill more pedestrians than cyclists!"

'Dad, can you teach me to swim?' 'Well, I'm not much of a swimmer, but I can teach you to tread water. I do that every day at work.'

'Don't clean me up too good... no one will recognize me.'

"But mom, I can't clean my room now. I just won the Kids Bedroom Seal of Approval!"

"Whadd ya wanna be for Halloween, Bro?"

"I'm trying to make them look less scary."

"Your mom is a little overprotective, isn't she?"

I arrived, I Ate, I Conquered (aka Pooped).

"I can't use the computer tonight -- Dad has to scroll to his year of birth."

'Pack your things we're moving.'

"But Mom said to ask YOU!"

'....How many babies are you going to have, mommy?"

"Has your mother called yet on the international situation?"

CCTV? Good grief, what do they think I'm going to vandalise in here??

'I can't talk now Kevin. I'm under house arrest.'

"Stop following me! I taught you all that I know."

'Don't worry about me, mom, I'll be fine as long as you keep working!'

"Stickers, fairy tattoos, a coloring book ... but no, Mom, I'm not seeing any stretch-mark cream in the goody bag."

'That's a birthmark, Billy. The doctor gave it to me when you were born.'

"You claimed I was getting on your last nerve. Having only one nerve left sounds serious, so I called an ambulance."

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I might find the colostrum?"

'For a brief time I held the world record for the youngest person on earth.'

The terrible 2's. It was an awful stage.

Some parents …

"You cheated on the assignment and got an A? Glad to see you've learned a useful life skill."

"I think our daughter got her brains from me."