Parent's Nemesis Pillows

'Sorry, Dad. My offensive lineman says I don't have to go to bed yet.'

"I made the mistake of telling him that the world is his canvas."

'If you take this job, you will need child care... that's my second job.'

'The food is great, but it's embarrassing the way she always insists on burping you.'

Polly, want a cracker, but Polly need a glass of wine.

Businessman with briefcase pushes stroller with baby and its briefcase.

"But I wasn't running in the hall."

'...you'd better get yourself a good lawyer!'

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

"I'm too old for a baby-sitter. How about hanging a portrait with the eyes that always seem to look at you?"

"So you're the artist dating my daughter? I've seen your work...you MUST be starving."

"Do you actually trust that thing?"

"Damn it, agree to whatever she demands. No matter what it takes, I want my mommy."

"Have you ever heard about deferred prosecution agreements, Mommie?"

'How about wearing a limo driver's cap when taking me to practice?'

"I don't get it, Susan... I've been an obstetrician for 20 years and I've never had a baby named after me!"

'Oh, for heaven's sake. Ethan's having another growth spurt.'

Meals on Heels.

"I only grown them because her mother's allergic to them."

It's so frustrating! They always stop acting evil the minute you start recording.

"I told you not to have that boob job."

"What is this? A note? Gracie must have dropped it..."

"Apparently, my mom knew I'd be bringing my phone to the beach. She put a floatie on it."

"My four-year-old son usually helps me, but he's at his grandparents' home."

Hunter with Santa Claus as a Trophy

'Hey, Max... Want me to show you how to make water balloons?'

"Little Jimmy's at the difficult age where he's grown up."

'You know what? I agree with my son's opinion of you.'

We're very disappointed. We thought the nanny has raised you better than this. Precinct.

"Baldo, I'm sorry! Tia Carmen's friend Maria left this book here by accident. Silly me, I thought it was yours! Ha ha ha!"

"We don't spank in our family- we just use the discipline clown."

"Just wait till your father gets paroled."

"That's a photo of Dad. He likes to keep an eye on us."

'If he weren't my child, I wouldn't let my child play with him.'