Paranormal Humorist Gifts

"Don't wait for him—it's not our fault that idiot chose a weighted blanket."

'I found all the texts from her on your phone, George. It's over. From now on, you're alive to me!'

"Objection, your Honor! This is clearly an immaterial witness!"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

'Think I preferred the old Irish barman.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

Don't be fooled by the theatrics. She'll only suck your sap!

"Gee, thanks pal."

One vampire tricks another behind a mirror.

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"Yeah, I'm moonlighting. It's a living."

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'I don't think the employees like me.'

Dr. Frankenstein creates his newest monster, Frankenmime.

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

Macbeth: Take Two

"Sorry. My blood sugar has just been running a little low lately."

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

"And this Halloween, try not to make a specter of yourself."

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

'Transylvania's most famous Optometrist 'Count Mracula'.'

Job Safety - Pumpkin.

"Johnson, you're new here, right? Mind if I pick your brain?"

The following is a paid political announcement.

German School