Quirky Horror Humorist Gifts

'And then, in a hideous metallic voice it growled...'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

Don't be fooled by the theatrics. She'll only suck your sap!

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

One vampire tricks another behind a mirror.

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

Cow talking to dog: 'What...You eat your own...?!'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"Yeah, I'm moonlighting. It's a living."

Glance Exchange

"Chomp... Chomp... Curry Tree..."

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Optimist

'If he could trace the matching sock I've another 25 or 30 to account for.'

"Why the gumboots? Well, I can't stand slimy things touching my feet..."

Dr. Frankenstein creates his newest monster, Frankenmime.

"How about a hand."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

'Mayday! Mayday! I'm in the drink!'

"It's just a tree."

Overshadowed by the Tony's: Broadway's Lesser Known Awards

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."