Quirky Humorists Gifts

"Hey, what do you know - a lefty."

Dilemma - 'They've been gone for ages and it looks like they're not coming back. The first thing I have to figure out is how to pay the rent.'

'You keep promising me you'll change, Reginald, but I haven't got all day!'

The quest for spinsterhood.

Sign on shop: Headquarters: 'Business People for Peace'. Man walks out of shop wearing t-shirt with slogan 'Make money not war'.

"This next arrow should shake things up a bit!"

'Hip!'

Fish pedicures - a woman with her feet in goldfish bowls, with the fish complaining about what they have to eat since the beauty craze took off.

Crime rates drop 40% after prison uniforms are changed to neon pink floral patterns.

Newton discovers surrealism

Robot porn.

Where the idea for Velcro came from.

'I think we've finally cured your hallucinations.'

"We did find a creative bone in your body, but it was very untalented."

Lie detector, "It's a goddam liar bird all right."

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

Reading Upside-down.

No need to retune.

Beware of the Ditto Head Dog.

'Sardines are the stupidest fish in the world. . . They lock themselves in tins and leaves the key on the outside.'

"He made it! Wait ... Tom has legs?!"

Bring Me A Pen Or Else

"I think the pain meds are kicking in Mr. Wiggles."

Bob had the misfortune of being haunted by the Three Stooges.

'...I'm just sayin', haven't you ever wondered what one of them tastes like?'

Personalized Greetings

"But if he's right, it'll save us years of experimenting."

"I'm allowed to sleep here if I blend in."

Surprise Egg

Winooski - A camp for sort of gifted boys.

'You never see phone booths anymore.'

"Oh super! Why do I always draw the short straw?!"

"NOBODY LISTENS ANYMORE."

Moe money, moe problems.

Duck Decoy