Quirky Humor Guru Gifts

Strange man has a nose monocle.

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

Gifts for a cloned baby!

"You left this on our ship."

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"We have to take that science away from Tommy...he's genetically modified the cat!"

'Tiddles has left everything to an old folks' home.'

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

Glance Exchange

Astral Projection

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"Chomp... Chomp... Curry Tree..."

Cow talking to dog: 'What...You eat your own...?!'

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"And that's General Ambrose T. Spangler. He died in the Great Mustache Fire of 1897."

"Sorry sir - the self-propelling pencils have all just walked out..."

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Optimist

'If he could trace the matching sock I've another 25 or 30 to account for.'

"Why the gumboots? Well, I can't stand slimy things touching my feet..."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

"It's just a tree."

"How about a hand."

Overshadowed by the Tony's: Broadway's Lesser Known Awards