Humorist Who Loves Quirky Jokes Gifts

Phone: 'The number you have reached has been changed and will change again if you don't leave us alone!'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

Glance Exchange

Cow talking to dog: 'What...You eat your own...?!'

"Bless You."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'If he could trace the matching sock I've another 25 or 30 to account for.'

"Why the gumboots? Well, I can't stand slimy things touching my feet..."

"It's just a tree."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

"Of course they're permanent. I'm an artist."

"How about a hand."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

Overshadowed by the Tony's: Broadway's Lesser Known Awards

'Thanks, we really appreciate this. Yeah, the middle button. Don't worry, it's auto-focus - just aim and shoot.'

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

'You can't come in here with that.'

Self Help / Elf Help.

'The Lemming Book Store'

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'