Paranoia Ponderer Gifts

"It's Eden. You don't have to keep checking for ticks."

"You know, I never properly vetted you."

"I can't explain it - it's just a funny feeling that I'm being Googled."

"It's great things are back to normal, except that there are people everywhere."

"God is out to get me."

'It's not for hunting. I just want to be able to protect my family from deer attacks.'

'I think it's ridiculous! There hasn't been a flood in this area for fifty years!'

"Handwriting analysis has revealed that Spencer is not in fact my husband."

"Oh, you know, same old same old."

"He isn't afraid of everything, yet, but we're getting close."

Optimistic Paranoia.

'I can feel it, Henderson - Someone out there is up to no good.'

Catalogue of Disasters

'Do you get the feeling we're being watched?'

'Did you ever have a feeling you're being watched?'

'I can eat anything I want? Is that because I'm well or is it my last meal?'

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

"This'll be our first Thanksgiving together."

'Don't let it bother you - heck, some people think I'm nuts!'

A Bad Time For Hypochondriacs

'It's a program on paranoia. Every time I leave the room, they stop and wait for me to come back.'

Hypochondria reaches a peak in middle age..

"Could I borrow a cup of weaponised anthrax."

'You can't be too careful these days, mother.'

'I keep thinking I'm being watched...'

'Stop following me!'

You Think Your Phone Is Spying on You.

It's 10PM. Do you know if you're under electronic surveillance from a spy satellite?

"Is this as good a bad time as any other bad time you've experienced?"

'Well, we've probed and diagnosed you thoroughly and still have found nothing. Now Dr. Thompson here would like you to lie down in his office for a special 'hypochondria scan.''

Operation Jade Helm

Fire Extinguisher

"Bernie has fear of commitment - He thinks the American Psychiatric Association is out to get him."

"Oh, it's not food, it's my money: I don't trust banks..."

"Here comes Mr. Vasquez. He always thinks people are talking about him."