Paranoid Ponderer Gifts

I feel absolutely fine doc, but a friend of my Mum's hairdresser said that might be a symptom."

"My fax, e-mail, and voice mail are plotting against me!"

Hypochodriac worrying about his heart.

Conspiracy Cat

'I've prescribed Anti-Depressants - you'll still be paranoid, but you'll be happily paranoid!'

'Bob couldn't stand rhetorical questions. This was clearly a case of police brutality.'

You can put an end to all your phobias by investing in the germ and radiation proof 'kiddysafe'.

"Geoffrey refuses to own a mobile because he doesn't want his meta data used against him in a targeted drone strike!"

"Apparently reading about cancer can give you cancer!"

"Thanks so much for coming over for dinner, please put your coats, belts, boots and any liquids in the tray and then step through the scanner."

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about Lyme disease."

"Neighbors say you saw a movie that featured someone critical of the government's corona measures. You better come with us."

Gordon suspected the garden gnome didn't like him.

'The computer can talk to terminals all over the country. Bentley thinks it's talking about him.'

"Welcome to the neighbourhood. I hope you like savory pies."

No Immediate Danger

"You never call, and the federal government will back me up on that."

"Can I get back to you when there's someone to overhear me?"

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

The Artist

Late BroomStick

"Why bother?"

"Needs to get a life"

"Listen to this: 'Technology reduces the time we spend on a given task, but increases the number of tasks we're expected to do.' Sounds like a no-win situation to me!"

The Government's Got Your Back. And Wants Your Front As Well.

"Oh boy charades! I love charades! Something big? Is it a bird? It's sharp! Behind? Above?"

Optimist

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

"Ok... for today I want a 500-word essay on what you know about nothing."

WANTED Dead or Alive - Schrodinger's Cat.

"You dropped yer wallet."

"I have good news and bad news about your cat, Dr Schrodinger..."