Paranoia Humor Fan Gifts

"He's paranoid someone will steal his identity..."

"There had better not be any socialist under my bed."

'No, we're not capturing you for a bizarre sexual experiment. We thought you might like to come to our coffee morning.'

"It better not be any of that over oaked chardonnay."

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

A vampire sitting on a park bench at night feeding bats.

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

'We're going to need to find a scapegoat.'

Trump Poutine

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

US Credit: 'I'm down grading your credit rating...'

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

Pull my finger! Zombie Humor.

"I sold my soul for about a tenth of what the damn things are going for now."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"And this Halloween, try not to make a specter of yourself."

'More government surveillance!'

'And we'll give you all the carcinogens you can eat.'

'Would you do me the honour of becoming tax advantaged with me?'

The Thinker?

"He is walking from 'Lands end to John'o'Groats', virtually."

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

Germany: willingness for anti-corona vaccination decreases!

"Tell me why you think people are out to get you."

"Says, property of the I.R.S."

"I think I'm as patient as the next person, but my husband wouldn't stop saying 'yo,' so I shot him."

How men process questions.

'Yes, I'm sure Latestagrossa is the patient's name, and not the disease!'

"There may be a moral equivalent of war, but, by God, there is not moral equivalent of money."

'It's the bank again... What I'd give for a bit of good old-fashioned heavy breathing!'

'It's all due to the birthrate falling drastically...'

Greenspanisms for sale (50c)

"It's a long-term strategy to make them lazy and complacent first."