Paranoia Humor Fan Pillows

"He's paranoid someone will steal his identity..."

"There had better not be any socialist under my bed."

'No, we're not capturing you for a bizarre sexual experiment. We thought you might like to come to our coffee morning.'

"It better not be any of that over oaked chardonnay."

A vampire sitting on a park bench at night feeding bats.

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

Trump Poutine

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

'We're going to need to find a scapegoat.'

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

US Credit: 'I'm down grading your credit rating...'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"And this Halloween, try not to make a specter of yourself."

'More government surveillance!'

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"I sold my soul for about a tenth of what the damn things are going for now."

'And we'll give you all the carcinogens you can eat.'

'Would you do me the honour of becoming tax advantaged with me?'

The Thinker?

How men process questions.

"He is walking from 'Lands end to John'o'Groats', virtually."

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

"I think I'm as patient as the next person, but my husband wouldn't stop saying 'yo,' so I shot him."

"Tell me why you think people are out to get you."

'Yes, I'm sure Latestagrossa is the patient's name, and not the disease!'

Germany: willingness for anti-corona vaccination decreases!

"Says, property of the I.R.S."

"There may be a moral equivalent of war, but, by God, there is not moral equivalent of money."

'It's the bank again... What I'd give for a bit of good old-fashioned heavy breathing!'

'It's all due to the birthrate falling drastically...'

Greenspanisms for sale (50c)

"Italy just bought France."

'It's educational TV, Mom — the redheaded girl in the lime-green bikini has a teaching degree.'