Paranoia Humorist Pillows

"Fill out all these highly intrusive forms...we can't wait!"

"You sure this is bulletproof?"

Unnecessary Alarm Co.

'Ever get the feeling that you're being watched?'

Spy Hole -"...slightly to the left so I can see you're head"

Martin Chuzzlewit suspects the landlady without any reason

Olives (man at bar)

'The management of this shop take the threat of swine flu in their stride.'

'I put in this brick to slow down any potential purse snatchers.'

"No, that's for you. The government is not tracking your tin foil hat order."

"Brenda takes no chances over someone stealing our washing."

Brian's so worried about identity theft that he got himself shredded

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Gee, thanks pal."

No Immediate Danger

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"Why the gumboots? Well, I can't stand slimy things touching my feet..."

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

German School

Bank P45's - 'Cashier number 5 please.'

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'