Paperback Purveyor Gifts

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

Squeezing the Free Press.

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

First Novels.

Accelerated reading. Slowpoke reading,

"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

Gay Times...

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

Rare Books

The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack Writes A Novel

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

It's Dostoevsky. It's Melville. It's Flaubert. But it doesn't dance.

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

The Apostle Paul receives a reply from the Corinthians.

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

Sue the Author 3PM

Letters escape from a caged book.

'Bring out yer books!'

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

In a world where spelling doesn't count.

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

'It's the first animal in their dictionary, Inter-Planetary Publishing Protocol is to always list the most intelligent lifeform first...'

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

Thesaurus Publishing: Out, Not here, Gone, Absent.

'Amount of white out used while writing, Moby Dick, an issue of The National Enquirer, and 101 Uses for a Dead Cat.'

Günter Grass

'I'll blurb you if you'll blurb me.'

"Tracey, this is Gene. He also read the Nancy Reagan book in unbound galleys."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."