Book Publisher Gifts

Publisher to book writer holding up 'Get on Oprah' sign: 'So that's the extent of your marketing plan?'

Meet Zelda Wisteria, author of the book 'Leap, and the Net will Appear!'

'We won't publish your book 'The Life of a mayfly: An Autobiography' because it's only a page long!'

P.R. Hell: Abandon all hype, ye who enter here.

"It looks like your book is going to be a million seller, here's a big bag of sherbet lemons for your trouble."

Children's Publishing - Child's portrait of 'Our Founder'.

20% of Britons

'Tonight's lousy TV movie is sponsored by the book publishing industry.'

'The manuscript is 'green' because it's typed entirely on the backs of rejection slips.'

"Your novel's a bit Stephen King, a bit John Grisham, it's the kind of plagiarism we're looking for."

OJ Simpson - Pop Up If I Did It (Here's how it happened).

'Shakespeare's Hamlet word for word - and I who always thought it was a crazy joke.'

"How you could retire on your teeny 401(k) is not the mystery thriller we're looking for."

William Caxton

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

Squeezing the Free Press.

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

First Novels.

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

Accelerated reading. Slowpoke reading,

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

Gone With the Wind: The Beach Blanket

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack Writes A Novel

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

Gay Times...

It's Dostoevsky. It's Melville. It's Flaubert. But it doesn't dance.

The Apostle Paul receives a reply from the Corinthians.

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

Letters escape from a caged book.

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

Sue the Author 3PM