Publishers Gifts

'So you're saying your autobiography has eight sequels?'

"I like it, but let's replace the 'evolved from apes' bit with something more plausible - like a talking snake."

Squeezing the Free Press.

'A most powerful, moving and scary book - botanists will love it!'

Author signing: Meet the plagiarist.

"During difficult times people often reach out to find new sources of entertainment."

'He's been very lucky - itstarted off as a suicide note!'

'It's s**t from the rear of the year.'

'Before Movable Type.'

BOOKS ON VIDEO/BOOKS ON TAPE/READ YOUR OWN.

Litterary Dogs.

"I'm starting to get worried. How am I going to be adored, parodied, venerated, denounced, redeemed, and ultimately mythologized if I can't get published?"

Through sheer folly, Stephen King blunders into the Acme Paper Company's largest forest.

Unpublished Sequels. Book Co. A guide to following paper plants and animals, Mr. Darwin? What's the title? "The Origami of the Species."

Charles Darwin Visits a Publisher. "Past performance is not a Guarantee of Future Results" --- It's a nice book, Mister Darwin, but the title is too long.

"It's by A.I. Milne."

Setting the Literary World Ablaze

"What if the dish and the spoon run away together?" "Not bad, Doug, not bad at all." "And a crockpot tries to lure the dish away with cash and loads of jewels!" "Come on, Rita! That's been done to death. Too derivative."

"Chapter Eleven is, in reality, only chapter one."

"Oprah is definite, Barnes and Noble is giving you front windows, and Norman Mailer has agreed to a feud."

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

Accelerated reading. Slowpoke reading,

"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

First Novels.

"Meet the embellisher 3-5 pm"

"It turns out everyone here is self-published."

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack Writes A Novel

It's Dostoevsky. It's Melville. It's Flaubert. But it doesn't dance.

Gay Times...