Publishers Gifts

'So you're saying your autobiography has eight sequels?'

"I like it, but let's replace the 'evolved from apes' bit with something more plausible - like a talking snake."

Squeezing the Free Press.

'A most powerful, moving and scary book - botanists will love it!'

Author signing: Meet the plagiarist.

"During difficult times people often reach out to find new sources of entertainment."

'He's been very lucky - itstarted off as a suicide note!'

'It's s**t from the rear of the year.'

'Before Movable Type.'

BOOKS ON VIDEO/BOOKS ON TAPE/READ YOUR OWN.

Litterary Dogs.

"I'm starting to get worried. How am I going to be adored, parodied, venerated, denounced, redeemed, and ultimately mythologized if I can't get published?"

"It's by A.I. Milne."

"What if the dish and the spoon run away together?" "Not bad, Doug, not bad at all." "And a crockpot tries to lure the dish away with cash and loads of jewels!" "Come on, Rita! That's been done to death. Too derivative."

"Chapter Eleven is, in reality, only chapter one."

"Oprah is definite, Barnes and Noble is giving you front windows, and Norman Mailer has agreed to a feud."

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

First Novels.

Accelerated reading. Slowpoke reading,

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"Meet the embellisher 3-5 pm"

"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"It turns out everyone here is self-published."

Gay Times...

It's Dostoevsky. It's Melville. It's Flaubert. But it doesn't dance.

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

The Apostle Paul receives a reply from the Corinthians.

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

"If I 'HAD IT ALL' it would it be enough?"

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."