Online Publishers Gifts

'My manuscript is available for download on the internet. I'll email the link to you.'

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

Squeezing the Free Press.

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"Meet the embellisher 3-5 pm"

Accelerated reading. Slowpoke reading,

First Novels.

"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

Gay Times...

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

"It turns out everyone here is self-published."

The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack Writes A Novel

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

It's Dostoevsky. It's Melville. It's Flaubert. But it doesn't dance.

The Apostle Paul receives a reply from the Corinthians.

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

"If I 'HAD IT ALL' it would it be enough?"

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

Letters escape from a caged book.

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

Sue the Author 3PM

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

In a world where spelling doesn't count.

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'It's the first animal in their dictionary, Inter-Planetary Publishing Protocol is to always list the most intelligent lifeform first...'

'Amount of white out used while writing, Moby Dick, an issue of The National Enquirer, and 101 Uses for a Dead Cat.'

Günter Grass

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

"Tracey, this is Gene. He also read the Nancy Reagan book in unbound galleys."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."