Indie Publisher Gifts

"We have nothing to lose but the chains!"

Read this book! It will never be a motion picture or even a made for TV movie.

Squeezing the Free Press.

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

Accelerated reading. Slowpoke reading,

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

First Novels.

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack Writes A Novel

Gay Times...

It's Dostoevsky. It's Melville. It's Flaubert. But it doesn't dance.

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

The Apostle Paul receives a reply from the Corinthians.

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

Letters escape from a caged book.

"I only like their bad albums – the good ones are too commercial."

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

Sue the Author 3PM

"I'll have a cup of coffee, and would you mind removing that ridiculous painting and turning off the Wilco?"

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

In a world where spelling doesn't count.

Jarvis Cocker

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

'Amount of white out used while writing, Moby Dick, an issue of The National Enquirer, and 101 Uses for a Dead Cat.'

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'I'll blurb you if you'll blurb me.'

"Tracey, this is Gene. He also read the Nancy Reagan book in unbound galleys."

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

'It's the first animal in their dictionary, Inter-Planetary Publishing Protocol is to always list the most intelligent lifeform first...'

Günter Grass