Independent Publisher Gifts

'Are you printing your own book?'

Squeezing the Free Press.

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

First Novels.

Accelerated reading. Slowpoke reading,

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

Gay Times...

It's Dostoevsky. It's Melville. It's Flaubert. But it doesn't dance.

The Apostle Paul receives a reply from the Corinthians.

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

Letters escape from a caged book.

Sue the Author 3PM

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

In a world where spelling doesn't count.

'I'll blurb you if you'll blurb me.'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

Thesaurus Publishing: Out, Not here, Gone, Absent.

'It's the first animal in their dictionary, Inter-Planetary Publishing Protocol is to always list the most intelligent lifeform first...'

"Tracey, this is Gene. He also read the Nancy Reagan book in unbound galleys."

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

"So start throwing together about 10 novels a week and bring them in on Wednesdays."

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."