Independent Publisher Gifts

'Are you printing your own book?'

Squeezing the Free Press.

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

First Novels.

"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

Accelerated reading. Slowpoke reading,

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

Gay Times...

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack Writes A Novel

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

It's Dostoevsky. It's Melville. It's Flaubert. But it doesn't dance.

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

The Apostle Paul receives a reply from the Corinthians.

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

Sue the Author 3PM

Letters escape from a caged book.

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

In a world where spelling doesn't count.

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

Thesaurus Publishing: Out, Not here, Gone, Absent.

'Amount of white out used while writing, Moby Dick, an issue of The National Enquirer, and 101 Uses for a Dead Cat.'

Günter Grass

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

'I'll blurb you if you'll blurb me.'

"So start throwing together about 10 novels a week and bring them in on Wednesdays."

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

"Tracey, this is Gene. He also read the Nancy Reagan book in unbound galleys."

'It's the first animal in their dictionary, Inter-Planetary Publishing Protocol is to always list the most intelligent lifeform first...'

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!