Book Publishing Insider Gifts

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

Squeezing the Free Press.

"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

'Sorry, Marx, but your writing ability doesn't meet our needs.'

Litterary Dogs.

Editor.

"Personally, I loved your novel. Unfortunately, our e-book editor says it just doesn't work on the little screen!"

BOOKS ON VIDEO/BOOKS ON TAPE/READ YOUR OWN.

'Sorry, we can't offer you a job but we would like to publish your CV.'

Publisher to writer: 'It was a great read, except I collided with run-on sentences, tripped over broken English and got knocked about by a dangling participle.'

Writers wait in their area of expertise.

'Shakespeare's Hamlet word for word - and I who always thought it was a crazy joke.'

'No, go ahead and critique my mss. I'm always ok ... after the initial reaction.'

Children's Publishing - Child's portrait of 'Our Founder'.

Book editor tells Jesus legal says he can't use title 'Greatest Story Ever Told'.

'This is the shortest autobiography I've ever read!'

"Oprah is definite, Barnes and Noble is giving you front windows, and Norman Mailer has agreed to a feud."

'That's right...his appendix...and it's pure dynamite! Don't you see? It'll be the ultimate insider celebrity memoir!'

"It's by A.I. Milne."

'Your novel has an up-to-the-moment breaking news quality. We intend to publish it in 2012.'

"We're still pretty far apart. I'm looking for a six-figure advance and they're refusing to read the manuscript."

Meet Zelda Wisteria, author of the book 'Leap, and the Net will Appear!'

"We need a better distribution system."

"We used your unsold copies to build a tree, but it's not the same."

'We won't publish your book 'The Life of a mayfly: An Autobiography' because it's only a page long!'

Publishing Clauses Of The '90s.

'From the very beginning we felt that defeating the Big Bad Wolf would be meaningless unless we could parlay it into a book deal.'

"I was able to get you a 2-book deal."

"Dumb it down or sex it up."