Publishing Powerhouses Gifts

"I know it sounds like a sell out, but I made millions selling cat books and calendars."

Squeezing the Free Press.

"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

Litterary Dogs.

BOOKS ON VIDEO/BOOKS ON TAPE/READ YOUR OWN.

'Shakespeare's Hamlet word for word - and I who always thought it was a crazy joke.'

Giant to librarian: 'Excuse me, do you have a large print version?'

Children's Publishing - Child's portrait of 'Our Founder'.

Book editor tells Jesus legal says he can't use title 'Greatest Story Ever Told'.

"It's by A.I. Milne."

"Oprah is definite, Barnes and Noble is giving you front windows, and Norman Mailer has agreed to a feud."

'That's right...his appendix...and it's pure dynamite! Don't you see? It'll be the ultimate insider celebrity memoir!'

Meet Zelda Wisteria, author of the book 'Leap, and the Net will Appear!'

"We used your unsold copies to build a tree, but it's not the same."

'We won't publish your book 'The Life of a mayfly: An Autobiography' because it's only a page long!'

'From the very beginning we felt that defeating the Big Bad Wolf would be meaningless unless we could parlay it into a book deal.'

"I was able to get you a 2-book deal."

'The manuscript is 'green' because it's typed entirely on the backs of rejection slips.'

"Dumb it down or sex it up."

'My mom won't let me play 'Merchants of Mayhem.' I tried, but she's a game changer.'

'This is the time when the University started to rank our research by the number of publications, not the quality of the publications...'

'Meet the Author!'

'When will they come out in papyrus-back?'

"This manuscript is unbelievably mature for a first novel but, sadly, we don't publish the unbelievable."

"What if the dish and the spoon run away together?" "Not bad, Doug, not bad at all." "And a crockpot tries to lure the dish away with cash and loads of jewels!" "Come on, Rita! That's been done to death. Too derivative."

"Well, for this amount we could do you a nice word-of-mouth campaign!"

'I find your whole story difficult to swallow,' Literary Agent.

"I like it, but let's replace the 'evolved from apes' bit with something more plausible - like a talking snake."

P.R. Hell: Abandon all hype, ye who enter here.

'A most powerful, moving and scary book - botanists will love it!'

"She scares the hell out of me. She's brainy, creative and sexy."

"This is a very important book. In fact, it's too important to publish."