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'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

Squeezing the Free Press.

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

First Novels.

Accelerated reading. Slowpoke reading,

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

Gay Times...

Rare Books

It's Dostoevsky. It's Melville. It's Flaubert. But it doesn't dance.

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

The Apostle Paul receives a reply from the Corinthians.

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

'Bring out yer books!'

Letters escape from a caged book.

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

Sue the Author 3PM

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

In a world where spelling doesn't count.

Two Generations of Readers

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Tracey, this is Gene. He also read the Nancy Reagan book in unbound galleys."

'I'll blurb you if you'll blurb me.'

Thesaurus Publishing: Out, Not here, Gone, Absent.

'It's the first animal in their dictionary, Inter-Planetary Publishing Protocol is to always list the most intelligent lifeform first...'

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,